You ever wake up one day and look at your life and think, “how in the hell did I get here? Whose life am I living? or Who did I piss off to deserve this?" When I think about the life that I had wanted for myself, it was never this. I feel strong and able most days and may appear "Instagram" happy but am I really? I have completely lost who I am as a person and somehow can’t seem to find my way back to her. Lately, I have struggled as a wife, as a parent, and in my career. I have even said to myself on numerous occasions "I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up". I turn 40 this year, Emmry is being promoted from the 8th grade, Ford was 2 years old when Kinsley passed, he will be 5 this year and there is a whole new little love in our house that will never know Kinlsey. The pictures above are the same pool, 3 years apart. Where did the time go? The other day someone asked me how I got started with my event planning and I can’t even remember. I just know, on the search for my soul it kind of just landed on me, same way writing did. I miss Kinsley every day but lately it's been this aching, nagging, every day miss you kinda pain. It's like I can barely remember her touch, her smell and her little voice. As those things slip from me, it feels as if I am slipping away too. Life hasn’t been right for me since she left, we knew that, and with each passing day or year I feel so far from her and myself.
Change is inevitable but does it ever make you mad how quickly it changes or how quickly time passes? It’s cruel. We have been watching so many videos of her. We laugh and remember those moments, for the most part it is a happy moment just tainted with a slight hurt. With every milestone I see people posting or the ones my own kids go through, I feel robbed. Yesterday, the girls were watching a video of one of those really happy moments with Kinsley and Ford wanted to watch. He asked “Who’s that?” My heart actually broke at that moment because we are so far from her, he doesn’t remember her. She was his best friend and I knew the day was coming but to actually hear those words, broke me because I almost feel that way too. My soul is searching for those things and literally aches for her touch, her smell or her crazy ass laugh.
The day in and out of life, each busy day, seem so normal. I had a kid that died and that's not normal but life goes on. We continue to live this life without her, making memories without her and while it's happy, there is also a bit of guilt that comes with this, and lets not forget the pain that seems to always be lingering in the background of my heart. So here we are approaching Kinsley’s birthday again and it's a little less of a celebration than it was the first 2 years we celebrated without her, the visits are less frequent, life is so busy I can’t even keep up with the decorations at her grave and if you were to look at family photos of us now, it is as if she were never here, Ford doesn’t even remember who she is. Like what the hell is this life and why is it mine?
There is really no escaping it, regardless of my career, status of my marriage, or added kids, I still have a kid that died. I am forever changed and some days it just sucks. Of course as much as you sit and daydream about your future just as I did, losing a child is not on the vision board but there were other plans for my life that I had no control over and I feel like time and things have changed so much, I wake up some days and think whose life is this? Being a parent is hard without that, marriage is hard without that, jobs are hard without that, life is hard without that. So I am here to tell you that everything seems harder after losing a kid. I believe in transparency and honesty. I know that most people who follow our story, want to know how we are doing. If I am always posting the positives, it wouldn't be an honest depiction of what losing a child is like. The reality is, time’s a thief and life is cruel.