Some days are just hard. No matter how strong you are, how inspiring you set out to be, we are all humans and vulnerable. At 3:10 P.M. two years ago today; I laid in the bed with my baby girl, as she took her last breath. That day will forever be the hardest day of my life, there are days since that may seem minute in comparison but are still hard. Who am I kidding? Life is just hard without losing a kid, being a mom is hard, being in a marriage is hard, working full-time is hard and some days you just want to lay in bed, cry, feel sorry for yourself and not do a damn thing.
I like to call it my pity party, the days are very few and far between but needless to say I still have them. The summer of 2020 after losing Kinsley a group of us went to Myrtle Beach. We had just arrived and I was going for a walk by myself waiting for food to bring back to the room. I see a mother trying to rally all the kids to get a photo of them, you know the instagram vs. reality deal. It wasn’t going great, I giggled but inside I was jealous of her. Her life seemed so perfect, maybe it wasn’t, but at that moment I was jealous that all of her kids were there to be photographed. I wanted to be her and wished that I had all of my kids there to fight with for a photo. If you know me, then you know I take pictures of all my kids everywhere we go and the photos on social media show a picture of a perfect family. Well I can assure you we are not and the work that goes into one perfect photo is exhausting and the moments between those photos are hard, and not always great. Since February 2020, I don’t even consider that we are a "perfect" family anymore but most days we do pretty good. My "perfect" family was taken from me at 3:10 P.M. that Friday afternoon and I’ve yearned for it since. Scrolling through facebook or instagram can send me in a whirlwind of emotions comparing my life to those I see on social media.
Pity party for one, please! Yesterday, we needed flowers for Kinsley. We walked into Safeway and I was smothered by “Valentine’s Day”. Almost had a full blown panic attack, all the flowers, balloons, gifts, people were there picking up flowers for someone they loved and all I could think about was “how do you select the perfect flowers for your dead daughter? Was there a perfect flower?” I got angry that people were celebrating Valentine’s Day, the day my daughter died. I will never celebrate another Valentine’s Day again and all these perfect couples, perfect families are on dates, buying gifts, and posting pictures of their little valentines and for me, Valentines Day just sucks.
So yes, my pity party's in full swing. I feel sorry for myself. I ask myself why constantly, why was I chosen to live the rest of my life with a broken heart, why was my perfect family taken, why will I never celebrate Valentine’s with my kids or husband in the same way? Today is hard and I will allow myself to feel those feelings but tomorrow I will wake up and appreciate the air I breathe and the love I have around me, the gifts I was given.
Maybe you haven’t lost a kid but maybe something in your life isn’t how you imagined it or you are just having a bad day, bad year, bad season. It's okay, give yourself that time, lay there all day, eat your feelings, drink your feelings and take the time to process those feelings whether it is anger, envy, sadness, or a combination of them all, just be present and feel. Those feelings are important too, they are part of the process, they are part of life, they make the good days, the days of gratitude, even more worth it. You can’t have the good without the bad and today isn’t an instagram day for me, its reality.
Pity party for one!