We are about to come up on Kinsley’s 3rd anniversary of her death. I often feel as if people wonder how we are doing, how I am doing, how the kids are doing. In everyday life situation, I feel as if we are all doing ok. Wake up, go to work, get kids ready, take kids to extra-curriculars, come home just to do it again the next day. The kids are thriving, they are smart, amazing, beautiful individuals, thriving in everything they do. When you look at it through that lens, the days, weeks, months, years, seem to flash before your eyes. Don’t blink because my littles who were in the trenches with us 3 years ago, aren’t so little anymore. Emmry will be 15 years old, Ava will be 13, Ry will be 10, Ford will be 6 and for those of you who don’t follow our story we had a baby in 2021 named Beckett Reese (named after Kinsley) and she will be 2 years old.
At the time of Kinsley’s death, Beckett didn’t exist, Emmry was 12, Ava 9, Ry 6 and Ford was 2. They were babies and dealing in their own way with the loss of the force they had for a sister. That feels like a whole different life ago. It feels like I’m living a completely different life today than I was then and in a way I am. I am a different person, different job, different views on things, just different not really better or worse just different, changed. Some of the main characters in my story remain, some have left and there are a few new ones who have been added to the script.
We miss Kinsley more than anyone can imagine and if I fixate on that fact it’s numbing, stop you in your tracks, can’t function. That’s part of my PTSD, depression, and anxiety, yes I have all three. I haven't slept a full night in three years. I often have flashbacks or nightmares of the events leading up to her death, her black fingers and toes, the way she looked laying there, the night she coded and Jordan and I were called to her bedside while, the nurse is on top of her pumping her chest and the noises in the room, the chaos. The one doctor that came up to me and looked at me dead in the eyes and told me without telling me, Kinsley was going to die. All of that haunts me but it isn’t necessarily all the time. My anxiety is a little more difficult to deal with on a daily basis. I have triggers and one of them is my kids getting sick. I physically vomit when my kids are sick. Luckily, I have a strong support system who know how to deal with me in this state.
When Beck was 3 months old, she was sick and struggling to breathe. They ended up keeping her for a week in the hospital for RSV. I can’t even tell you how many times I puked trying not to think the absolute worst. Friends, doctors, nurses, my husband all had to calm me down. I am the crazy lady in the doctor’s office, I am the crazy lady in every ER room when it comes to my kids, I am the crazy lady in the schools, which is one of the reasons I left teaching. I couldn’t deal with the constant struggle between being there for my kids in my classroom and being home for my sick kids. As I mentioned before I am a different person.
The question or comment I get the most is “how do you do it? Or “I don’t know how you do it”. I find this question or statement confusing because it is asked or said as if I had a choice. I didn’t have a choice, my daughter died but I have other kids who need me, so I get out of bed. My daughter died but the others need to eat and have clothes on their backs, so I must get up and go to work, my daughter died but I must learn to find joy in the other kids too. They are watching how we handle trauma, how we respond to trauma. They copy how we react and handle strong feelings. I feel that is why they are thriving. They were in the trenches too and together we got out of bed, together we went to work and school, together we went to extra curriculars, together we celebrate, we miss and remember Kinsley.
Marriage is difficult after losing a kid too. Grieving is an independent process. Everyone grieves in their own right and if the two of you aren’t on the same path it can be difficult. In our marriage I feel like this last year has been the most difficult because we are farther from the trauma. However, strong feelings of loss are still present and in dealing with them we have both been in different places in our own grief . Every once in a while we have to do a check-in to feel like we aren’t just going through the motions and validate where each of us are in this process. This usually presents itself as an argument. He is my person and I love him more than I did the day we met, however sometimes we just need to be reminded of this. The statistics say that 80-90 percent of couples split after the trauma of losing a child. Most people who have never actually lost someone say things like “give it time, time heals, she’s in a better place, things will get better” all of these statements are bullshit. Time doesn’t heal and she would be better here, and it doesn’t get better. Three years have passed and I still hurt just as much as I did February 14, 2020 at 3:10 PM while I felt the breath leave her body for the last time while I laid in the hospital bed holding her in my arms. You learn to live with the grief, but it changes you. Both my husband and I are different people than when Kinsley was alive, and we have had to refigure each other out. So, if you are wondering how my marriage is, we are still married and I would still choose him every day, however I will not pretend it isn’t difficult and doesn’t take work but what marriage or relationship isn’t work? It's an active choice and I choose him.
As 3 years approaches, what scares me the most is people not remembering Kinsley or celebrating her. I don’t want people to stop talking about her or asking about her. I enjoy hearing stories about her. I enjoy sharing how annoying or bad she was. How terrible her hair was, how great she was at everything she did except school. Ford seems to be a copy and paste of her and as Beck comes into her own personality, she has got a fire and personality in her that I know will challenge us in a similar way Kinsley did. Just the other night we sat in the kitchen talking about Ford starting Kindergarten. If you know our family, you know Ford. We always talk about him starting school in September and whose phone number is going first on registration form. He will be getting in trouble I am positive of it. Then we all sat around talking about Kinsley starting Kindergarten and stealing from the classroom and gym. She came home with a bookbag full of shit. I had to email school, make her return it and write an apology. We got to laughing because it seemed as if it was always something with her. She was always in the nurses office for getting hurt and Jordan was on speed dial or coming home with slips because she kicked someone who got in her square playing four square.
She is a star and in every single way she was a magnet that pulled everyone in, captivated people with her personality. Wow, she is missed. So, for “Valentine’s Day” or “Kinsley’s Day” this year I want everyone to send me messages of memories of her. I want to read them together as a family remembering, celebrating, laughing and crying about just what a force she was.
So, how are we doing?
I would say as a whole and under the circumstances pretty damn good. There are good days and bad but that is to be expected. We have joy and heartache but that too is to be expected. Over these three years I feel like I have learned more about living than in my other 37 years of life.
Coming soon will be a new book, A Kinsley’s playbook, advice and stories of how to live like Kinsley did and advice on how to survive or deal with trauma in this game we call life. For those of you who haven’t followed our story and would like to read it, you can find my book “The Storm” on Amazon. Thank you to everyone who has followed our story, wondered how we were doing, checked in and continued to be a support for us. We appreciate all of you. For Valentine’s Day, take some time to find joy in something. This world seems to be going to shit, everyone is in financial struggles, damn eggs are like the price of GOLD, you can’t do shit because gas prices are so high, and people are always offended by something. Just for the day forget the stuff you can’t change. Life is hard and as I keep saying; “Find your people, they make this life worth living”. Take the day to tell them.
Much love,
Shannon
