I was mindlessly scrolling through social media, as I usually spend so much of my time doing and I came across a quote that resonated with me. It said “2020 the year I thought I would get everything, instead 2020 was the year I learned to appreciate what I already had.”
I’ve never been a fan of New Years. It's a bit depressing when you think about how many days you had, to really do nothing, to do the same thing you’ve been doing for the last however many years. We say we are going to make changes, learn something new, travel somewhere, etc. I always have these big plans, big dreams and yet somehow along the way ‘life’ happens. Yet, until this year, I have never really thought that the ‘life’ that happens is exactly what I have to be thankful for. We learned early in 2020 that it wasn’t going to be our year. 2020 has been a shit year for many and to top it off, it started for my family with the loss of our 8 year old daughter on Valentine’s Day.
Not long after the loss of Kinsley, did the whole world shut down as millions of people were losing their lives and family members to COVID. People were out of work, struggling to make ends meet, feed their families, essential workers were risking their lives each day, missing time with their families and normalcy was ripped away from every single child in America. Americans had to learn a different way of living and in my house our children were learning this new way of living without Kinsley. Fast forward and we are hit with the nation being divided by racism and then again because two idiots were running for president, when the answer all along was to come together as one and change our perspective.
Thanksgiving growing up and until 2020 always seemed commercial. For me it was a stepping stone to get to the real holiday “Christmas”. Now, I am trying to slow time down and not get to Christmas because the thought of waking up in this house without Kinsley is almost unbearable and it just seems to be creeping up on me. I’ve never been a fan of Thanksgiving food and if you really think about how much food people eat on Thanksgiving, it’s kind of disgusting. Thanksgiving this year means something different to me. Yes, I’ve always been grateful for family, shelter, water, relationships but not in the same way.
I’ve written in my blogs before about how experiencing life through a lense of gratitude makes it difficult to be sad or angry at the same time and I really think that has helped me get through this tough year. I asked my 5th graders what they were grateful for and for most of them they said family, food, water, shelter, some of them occasionally said materialistic things as typical kids would but one of them said nothing. It made me sad to think that he could not think of one thing that he appreciated. I suppose I could walk through life bitter about Kinsley, how unfair life is and why me? Don’t get me wrong, there are days I wallow in my own self pity, wishing the world would just come to an end, but those days are very few and far between. Do I pretend I am okay? No, but I do try to find something I am grateful for when I am feeling bad and most of the time the answer is right in front of me. It’s people and time.
It’s my husband, my kids, my family, my two very best friends and god mother to Kinsley, it's the new friendships that have been established since Kinsley, relationships that have been restored, the people whom have been touched by Kinsley’s story and in turn have become part of our village and I am grateful for all of them. I am just grateful for time. Something that seems so simple yet means the most. We don’t get time with Kinsley this year and because of that I don’t take time with anyone else for granted. I will not be scrolling mindlessly through social media, in fact, aside from the obligatory pictures I post of the children, I am sure I will not even be able to locate my phone. I will be present in just spending time and of course watching the football game. This house is a Steelers house and I swear the only reason they are doing well this season is because Kinsley has a hand in helping them out, but either way we'll be spending time together, eating food, and watching the Steelers beat the Ravens.
This year for Thanksgiving I made a wreath for Kinsley’s grave that has photos of her all over it because it seemed right to remember the times we had with her and be grateful for the photos, memories we did get with Kinsley. It is amazing to see how many people have so many great memories with Kinsley, she truly was a special kid and I am grateful for that. Her story has touched so many people and damn if that doesn’t make me proud to be her mother. I have a cool ass kid.
I put a jar at her grave where people can write or share their favorite Kinsley memory as a way to keep her with us this Thanksgiving. This is exactly how I manage to get through each day of this shitty year without her. I think of as many things I can do to include her in our celebrations. As shitty as my year has been, experiencing the unimaginable and every parent's worst nightmare, for Thanksgiving and each day, I still have so many things to be thankful for.
