My Re-introduction

I have been thinking a lot lately as February approaches. February for me brings a lot of sadness and anxiety. February is Jordan's birthday, my grandmother died the day after, Kinsley died on February 14th. February holds a lot of emotions and memories. Good ones too, I got engaged on Jordan's 30th birthday, Ava was born in February. The great memories and celebrations, meet sadness and some memories that I consider nightmares. As a read the comments on my blog or social media posts, "you are so strong", "I couldn't do it", "I don't know how you get out of bed" "Why does nothing seem to bother you?" it has me thinking about my trauma and my healing over these last 6 years.

I am not so strong and I don't want to be that kind of strong, my kids are the reason I get out of bed and nothing seems to bother me because everything I was terrified of happening, happened to me, not once but twice. Four years into my grief of losing my daughter, my husband died and I found myself back in the storm. I had to navigate life without him, who I was without him, everything I was, was taken from me. That is a very dark and lonely place to be. I was a shell literally trying to live with a broken heart.

In these 6 years I have been diagnosed with PTSD from watching my daughter die and then again when I found my husband. The things I was asked to do on that 911 call will forever haunt me. I have ADHD which is something I have never had growing up but truth is trauma does have a profound impact on the way your brain works. I do have depression but it only comes during holidays, birthdays or when life gets hard. Haha honestly that one isn't that bad, the PTSD sometimes hits when I watch a show or movie and of course when my kids get sick. All of these are manageable. But the trauma has made me quite the comedian and changed who I am completely. When I look at pictures from before I barely recognize myself.

My trauma has given me quite the dark sense of humor and I realize it shocks people sometimes when I say things. For me this is my life and it is my reality, that I have lived though things, I wouldn't wish on anyone. The other day I started to reflect on my journey and who I have become, how I am doing, my mental health and for once I became proud. When someone asks how I am doing, I can honestly say I am ok and mean it. My outlook on life has changed so much, I used to have these unreachable expectations on how something should go or look. Often times things never went how I thought it should. I used to be such a planner, I think the ADHD has helped change this, now I tend to just see where the day or life takes me. I practice appreciation and gratitude daily. I am talking about the smallest things, I appreciate, no expectations. I have found through my grief it is difficult to be sad and grateful at the same time. Sure somedays are harder than others but overall I am just grateful to be here, grateful for these amazing kids I have, grateful for this life we are living, grateful for the time and memories we shared with Kinsley and Jordan. I have a lot of time to think about my future and what happens with these kids grow up. I realized I don't want to live this life alone and I have started to date again. I am grateful that my heart has healed enough to allow room for more.

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago or even 2 years ago. Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Shannon Sandvik. I live a very full life, learning every day how to hold joy and grief in my heart at the same time. Some days are great, some are heavy but that is life, the contrast is what makes it beautiful. I have job that I love, working for and with some of the greatest people, I have found the people who belong in my circle, it took a while to let go of relationships and be okay with it.

Things that I love: my kids, music, concerts, food, written notes, beach days, learning how to slow down, wild flowers, traveling. I am not sensitive, I overthink, I don't know how to be nonchalant, I overshare, I love deeply, I am extra, I am pretty silly most of the time, I am learning to let people in and be more vulnerable. I am learning to embrace my PTSD and ADHD and love myself for all of the things I bring to the table. I also know that I am not for everyone and that is ok with me.

For everyone who has been with me on this journey, thank you for loving my family and following our story.