Sunflower, a direct correlation to the sun, the life force for our solar system, a source of warmth and life. Sunflowers are stunningly beautiful, the bright yellow petals representing rays of sunshine, they are “happy” flowers and usually given to someone to bring joy. They are admired for their charm and delightful disposition. The have so many positive characteristics it isn’t surprising that people bask in their glow.
As I sit here on my couch and look up at the last bouquet of flowers from Kinsley’s funeral withering away, this same bouquet of flowers lasted an entire month, and brought me comfort each day looking at them. The sunflowers didn’t even look real. They were perfect in every way, little rays of sunshine in this dark storm. While all the flowers around them were slowing wilting these sunflowers were bright vibrant and full of life.
Kinsley was a sunflower. She was the life force of our home, full of life and fire. She was stunningly beautiful and always happy. She brought joy to everyone’s life, in fact people were drawn to her. She was charming and funny yet strong and could withstand adversity. She was fearless yet proceeded with caution. I’ve looked back at pictures of her, she is actually ‘glowing’. Kinsley made my heart happy and brought me joy every day.
It’s almost been one month, 30 days, of waking up without the ‘sunshine’ and life feels different. Packing lunches, buying clothes, school pick-ups, nightly dinners, after school homework, no soccer practice, our car dance parties, honestly just breathing feels different. The girls often ask “why, Kinsley?” and I don’t have an answer for them. I respond with “I don’t know but I miss her too.” We are establishing our new normal which involves Kinsley every day. Every time we get in the car, we play a little Lizzo and some Hot Girl Bummer. We visit her grave often even if it’s just to drive by screaming out the windows “HEY, GIRL.” We place sunflowers on her grave, EVERYONE places sunflowers on her grave. She was everyone’s sunshine. Our house now is lots of extra love and holding on tight to each other as this storm continues to whip around us.
We have a long road ahead of many firsts without her and I know they will be difficult for all of us, but we hold on to a piece of her each day and I look for signs that she is with us. Originally, I had thought she came back as a bird, just to be annoying but now I think she is playing a much bigger hand with God. The sunsets and sunrises have been breathtakingly beautiful lately, bright fiery red and looking at them I can feel her. I giggle because she got a hold of God with her Kinsley charm and personality, and now, she’s got a spot right up next to him painting the sky.
This was Kinsley’s way. She was chosen for everything, people would instantly fall in love with her, she was a magnet, a force of warmth and life. A sunflower, our sunflower.