I had so many people text or say we were thinking of you and your family on Christmas. I
used to always hear that the holidays are the worst time of year for people or families who have lost someone. I have always thought about those people during the holiday season but never thought it would be me. This holiday season was extremely difficult for me as a mom.
Becoming a mom, part of the fun is the magic of Christmas. Us moms, we create that magic for our kids and in turn the magic we felt so long ago as children returns when we see Christmas through the eyes of our own kids. In our family, we make a huge deal about Christmas, including all of the fun activities leading up to Christmas. We have traditions, we go see the lights at Ann Marie Gardens, we go ice skating, we make ornaments as Christmas gifts, we read a book, we bake, we build gingerbread houses, we have holiday/festive attire, all of which creates magic and joy in its own special way.
Kinsley had an excitement for life that can't be duplicated, Ford may be a close 2nd but she was just so extra all the time. For Kinsley life was just exciting. She woke up in the morning excited and energized for what the day would bring. She wouldn’t have never made it this past year during the pandemic. Slow paced, relaxing, and staying home was not part of Kinsley’s life. She was always go, go, go and in turn that made me go, go, go. I feel like the pandemic and loss of Kinsley has greatly slowed our family down and to be honest I think it was more due to the loss of her. It didn’t take much to light her face up and get her excited. She would get excited to go to dinner in a restaurant, football Sunday with her Daddy, going to someone’s house, a school event, a new outfit or “Fur Friday’s” with her teachers, something she came up with and her teachers played along. Her excitement for life was always there but at Christmas time it was the most and filled me with so much joy and happiness.
Kinsley’s spirit and excitement was missed this holiday season. I felt like I was stripped of the excitement a mother usually feels on Christmas morning because one of my babies wasn’t there. I was grieving the loss of my daughter but also the loss of the excitement and magic that comes with Christmas morning. The weeks, months, leading up to Christmas I was sick to my stomach knowing how hard that day was going to be for me. I cried, I cried ugly tears all morning. I felt alone, I felt jealous of all the families that were intact and with each other because mine would never be that way again. The stress of losing a child or anyone for that matter puts strain on life and relationships, the stress and strain was definitely present that day. I know I was taking out my sadness and anger on my husband, it was hard not to. There are times when those feelings have nowhere to go, I thank God everyday for giving me someone that is always there and will be no matter what. The rollercoaster of emotions was unreal, the huge tidal waves of grief would come and go, as quickly as laughter and joy.
Every year since Jordan and I got together we have taken a picture of the children in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. The kids stack up on their bellies from oldest to youngest in what they call the “cupcake” picture. I couldn’t bring myself to do it this year with them and frankly the kids didn’t want to either. We are missing part of our cupcake that will never be there. What good is a cupcake without the icing? These small things that you don’t think really matter turn out to be what truly triggers you and her absence is felt so hard.
A week before Christmas I was talking to Kinsley as I do so often and asked her to make it snow for us. She always lets us know she is present in different ways and sometimes I think she has full conversations with Ford. Christmas morning, I woke up tired from crying myself to sleep, my head hurt, my eyes hurt and my stomach was uneasy. We were getting ready to leave to spend the morning at Mimi and Poppy’s house because I couldn’t bear to be in my own house. I walked outside and there it was, little flakes of snow hitting me right in the face. I laughed and then cried at the same time, knowing it was her. She knew I needed that more than ever. While I am the adult, her mother, she always finds a way to take care of me, to create an inner peace when I need it most. We made it though Christmas Day and the kids had a fantastic Christmas given the situation and just like that the day was over and I immediately felt relief from the anxiety of experiencing the holiday season without my little ball of fire. I saw bits of excitement in each of the kids that made me think of her and as usual we didn’t go a day without talking about her. She knows we love her and miss her every minute of every day and I think she is doing everything she can to help us through.
