I Thought I Loved You

About 7 years ago I was in a place in my life I wasn’t proud of. I wasn’t happy and I was just getting by. Yes, I always took care of my kids and my kids always came first. I was living in a small house that I rented, I had 2 beautiful girls and one baby daddy, Kinsley didn’t have a Daddy, I like to call him a sperm donor.

Let me backtrack a bit, Kinsley was the definition of “opps” however, I was 28 years old with a 2 year old, there was no way I wasn’t having her, I had a job, I took care of myself and kid, she was just going to be a bonus. I don’t believe in abortion and adoption was out as well. I remember the conversation with “sperm donor” and he said ‘you need to take care of it’ I knew at that point I would be on my own with Kinsley. Kinsley was something special from the start and I could feel it. I know it was God’s plan for me to have her, now more than ever. Kinsley would walk around telling people at age one she didn’t have a Daddy, but she had a Naina. We all thank God for Shaina. It was about this time that I met my husband and she said to him “well everyone else calls you daddy, do you mind if I call you daddy too?” My heart skipped a beat and I thought I loved him then.

Him and I started this perfectly blended family. Well it wasn’t perfect but damn near close. The way Kinsley would look at her daddy was something that used to make my heart melt. She idolized him. She challenged him in a way he had no idea what to do with her. He would get so mad at her and then she would come down, climb on his lap, say something to make him shake his head and laugh, then kiss his hairy face. Just being the Kinsley, everyone fell in love with. Kinsley truly thought she was going to marry her Daddy. The way he loved her was so fierce, I thought I loved him then.

In 2016, we got married, the girls became true sisters and I became a bonus mom of two amazing little girls. It was like one day I woke up and everything felt just as it should be. My husband came to me and said he wanted to adopt Kinsley that she was his daughter and even if him and I didn’t make it as a couple, she was his too. In April of 2017, Kinsley turned into Kinsley Reese Sandvik and officially became his. It was just a document to prove something we already knew. Their relationship was something special. I always say it takes a special person to love kids that aren’t theirs and watching him with Kinsley, I thought I loved him then.

In October of 2017, our baby boy was born, and our almost perfect family became officially perfect. The girls fought like siblings and he was the perfect addition to our beautiful mess. Having a baby this time, I was married, and I had a child with someone I loved. The experience was incredible and something I truly wanted to experience with him. He was there for every bit of my pregnancy, every important doctors’ appointment and my crazy emotional meltdowns. He picked up slack with the kids and went to work to take care of our family. He was everything I never knew I needed but I did, I needed him. The experience of having Ford with him, made me love him even more, and if we didn’t already have 5 children, I would have wanted to experience it all over again. He is a great father and watching him with our kids, I really didn’t think I could love him any more than I did at this point in our lives.

I woke up a while back, maybe 2 months ago, next to him, in our forever home, with all our babies in their beds asleep. I couldn’t help but thank God for everything. We were truly blessed in this life but with that my mind starts thinking “it’s too good, what’s gonna happen?”. I don’t know if anyone else thinks like that, but I do. Fast forward and there we were sitting in the hospital together watching our daughter die. I watched him bury his head in his hands, drop to his knees and sob over losing Kinsley. I have heard that tragic events like this can break up a marriage and I was terrified that not only am I going to have to continue living this life without my daughter but I’m gonna lose my best friend and the only person who could comfort me. While we were crying, holding on to each other so tight, he whispered in my ear “I’m not going anywhere, I need you, we need each other and the kids need us” He grabbed my face, kissed my forehead, and looked me right in the eyes, “ we are going to make it.” I have never felt so close to him in my entire life. Not the day we got married, not the day he adopted Kinsley, not the day we had Ford, but this day, this very second and every day since. I feel a closeness to him I can’t even begin to describe but all I can say is I only thought I loved him before.